to Winter

old man winterFebruary 9th, 2014
RE: Cease and desist
Dear Mr. Frost:
This CEASE AND DESIST ORDER is to inform you that your persistent actions including but not limited to forcible confinement, assault causing bodily harm, public incitement of hatred, and any and all meteorology resulting in the near literal severance of the pudendum have become unbearable. You are ORDERED TO STOP such activities immediately as they are being done in violation of any reasonable elemental expectancy.
I have the right to remain free from these activities as they constitute harassment, and I will pursue any remedies available to me against you if these activities continue. These remedies include but are not limited to: discussion ad nauseam of the atmospheric transgressions with anyone in possession of the power of speech, long introspective afternoons questioning my chosen nation of residence, and malicious aggregation and ignition of any and all fossil fuels.
Again, you must IMMEDIATELY STOP all hibernal pursuits and send confirmation that you will stop such activities by way of a decent weekend. You risk incurring some very severe environmental consequences if you fail to comply with this demand (see aforementioned spite fires).
To ensure compliance with this letter, and to halt any action I may take against you, I require you to fill in and sign the attached form and raise the average temperature to at least 5 ºC within 10 days of your receipt of this letter, or St. Patrick’s day at the latest. Failure to do so will act as evidence of your infringement upon my climate rights, and I will immediately be forced to contact a travel agent to remedy the situation.
E. Nuff

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