As fewer and fewer people incorporate breakfast cereals as a part of their morning meal, Kellogg’s and General Mills have had to make some tough cuts to their marketing budget. Long time spokes-characters such as Tony the Tiger, Lucky the Leprechaun, and Snap, Crackle and Pop have seen their hours greatly reduced or have been let go entirely.
Tony the Tiger (nee Anthony Felinson) has mixed emotions about the development. “Well I certainly don’t feel ggggreat about it” told reporters when reached at the Felix Gym in Venice where Tony works part-time as a personal trainer. “On one paw I feel guilty for fattening the pudge-os up, but on the other I have created a great client base. At the end of the day, I still get to yell a lot.” Lucky, working in the United States on a conditional visa, now faces deportation back to Ireland if he cannot find work elsewhere. “Sure, I’m grossly under-qualified for any other line of work”, Lucky explained bent over a shot glass of Guinness, “I mean literally, I’m five inches tall”. The trio of Snap, Crackle, and Pop have taken a more upbeat perspective on the development. “It gives us more time to focus on our real passion, music” Crackle explained via Skype. “For so long we have been pigeon-holed into this Saturday morning, kid-friendly, part-of-a-complete-breakfast bullshit”, explained Pop, self-described bad boy of the group, “Shit I’m a grown elf with grown elf problems”. Look for the trio’s new urban inspired album “Gat, Cracker, What!” to drop in March. Perhaps most tragic is story of Trixx. With a long history of substance abuse problems, the downsizing proved too much for troubled rabbit. He was arrested early yesterday at the border in Juarez, Mexico under suspicion of drug smuggling. Sources close to the department say after a full body cavity search police were baffled to find half a kilo of sugary powder lab reports confirm to be a cocktail of high fructose corn syrup and artificial colourings. When asked to comment the defiant Trixx proclaimed what its seems consumers across the country have concluded themselves, “I guess those Trixx aren’t for nobody”.